The Glued-Back Watermelon Conspiracy
BREAKING: Discount Demanded on “Pre-Tasted” Watermelon
Shoppers were left stunned today after evidence surfaced that certain watermelons on store shelves had been previously opened, taste-tested, and then carefully patched back together like a bad science experiment before resale.
Experts say the faint fault lines on the rind are clear proof: these are not fresh fruits but refurbished units.
Industry insiders confirm that consumers are entitled to demand at least 50% off any melon showing signs of prior consumption.
“This is standard return protocol,” one anonymous produce worker admitted. “If the original buyer didn’t like the flavor, it goes back to the shelf. Think of it like an open-box laptop — but juicier.”
After all:
Why pay full price for refurbished produce?
It’s only logical.
It’s only geometry.
It’s only absurd.
Geometry Doesn’t Lie
Look closely at this watermelon — the cracks across its rind aren’t random. They’re the scars of betrayal.
Someone cracked it open, took a bite, and decided… nope. Not sweet enough. Not juicy enough. Maybe too much math inside.
So what did they do? Naturally, they glued it back together and slid it back onto the shelf, hoping no one would notice.
And now here you are, staring at a Frankenstein watermelon with a past.
A watermelon that already failed its taste test, stitched back together and rolled out for one more chance at love.
Shoppers are advised to check their carts carefully. If you hear rattling seeds, it’s already too late.
Consumer Tip — Absurd Geometry Seal of Approval
Always inspect fruit for glue seams, stitching, or suspicious symmetry.
Ask the clerk: “Has this produce been previously loved?”
If the clerk blinks once, that means yes — even if he says no.
Remember: Shakespeare taught us the eyes are the windows of the soul. The lips may deny, but the eyelids confess.
Demand 50% off refurbished items. It’s the law (probably).
Rule #47 of Absurd Geometry
If the fruit has already lived a life, you get it for half price.
Developing Story
What worries shoppers more is the suspicion that watermelon may not be the only fruit caught in this recycling scheme. Reports have already surfaced of:
suspiciously shiny oranges,
unusually square apples, and
bananas with suspicious Velcro-like seams.
The investigation continues…
Follow-Up: Field Test Results
At Absurd Geometry, we don’t just speculate — we test.
So, in the interest of consumer science, I personally put Tip #47 into practice. I located a suspicious watermelon, dressed in my most professional suit, and approached the register with grave seriousness.
“I demand 50% off,” I said, sliding the fruit forward like it was evidence in a courtroom.
To my surprise, the clerk agreed immediately.
To my greater surprise, he took me literally. He handed me half off the price… and kept half the watermelon.
And that’s how the experiment concluded. A success in mathematics, a tragedy in fruit.
