Mr. Porcupine’s Trial: Toxic Positivity

Mr. Porcupine’s attorney, handler, PR crisis manager, and miscellaneous representative met with him privately to deliver an update.

“We finally heard back from Governor Nuisance.”

Governor Nuisance’s Response

“Dear Mr. Porcupine,

Thank you for contacting the Office of Governor Nuisance regarding your request for clemency. After careful review, we regret to inform you that your request cannot be accommodated at this time.

Although the Governor acknowledges your prior assistance in reducing competition within California’s winery sector, he has unfortunately reached the maximum number of criminals he is permitted to forgive, including himself.

We also strongly recommend that you discontinue posting evidence of your crimes online, particularly under usernames containing the words Anonymous Porcupine.

We wish you the very best in your future endeavors.

THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE. PLEASE DO NOT REPLY.

Please stop writing to us.

Best regards,
Governor Nuisance’s Reply Team”

On the day of the trial.

Prosecutor: “Your Honor, I will now present a series of trolling messages authored by Mr. Porcupine. Exhibit A: under the username AnonymousPorcupine, the defendant wrote, ‘Texas superiority is not an opinion. It is a measurable biological phenomenon.Every Texan is born with an invisible superiority gland. I am willing to take a biological test to prove it.”

Prosecutor: “On another platform, Mr. Porcupine also posted anonymously: ‘Texans are the true chosen people of God, and the Antichrist has already been born in California, is currently attending public school, and is running for president of the Communist Club, funded by Barnie Sandals.’”

“And as we all know, communism always looks great on paper…like an introductory 0% APR… until, almost without warning, it switches to 35%.”

Prosecutor: “And if all of you think that is outrageous… if you think that is not the browser history of a decent mammal… wait until you hear this.

Mr. Porcupine is convinced that he is in direct contact with a witch. Not only does he communicate with this alleged witch, he admits to having performed several odd jobs for her.

Now, as some of my colleagues may know, according to my ancestry DNA and this has been biologically tested and proven, I descend from executioners and ancient witch hunters. So I believe I am uniquely qualified to speak on this subject.

There are no witches.

None.

“They were all eliminated hundreds of years ago. Every single one. They checked under rocks. They checked the trees themselves. They even checked candy houses in the middle of the forest. Extensive measures were taken.”

There is no evidence of any remaining witches.

And I can prove this with my DNA.

Therefore, the fact that Mr. Porcupine continues to blame an imaginary witch for his crimes raises serious questions about whether this individual should undergo a psychiatric evaluation before being permitted to walk freely among the general population.

And, just for the record, I’m also two percent Native American.”

The Defense

Defense: “Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Porcupine is not simply a criminal. He is a casualty of public-school encouragement.

From an early age, Mr. Porcupine knew he was different from the other mammals. He had quills. The humans around him merely had hair that stood up when they were frightened.

He felt excluded. Misunderstood. Different.

Then one day, a public school teacher pulled him aside and gave him the kind of advice we give children every day.

‘Don’t listen to anybody else. Be who you want to be. Follow your dreams. Be all that you can be. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably just jealous.’

What nobody bothered to ask was what Mr. Porcupine actually wanted to be.

Mr. Porcupine wanted to be Al Capone.

And so he followed the advice.

He ignored criticism. He refused to conform. He pursued his dreams. He became his most authentic self.

Unfortunately, his authentic self was a menace.

So I ask you: can we truly blame Mr. Porcupine for becoming exactly what he was repeatedly encouraged to become?

Perhaps the public-school system failed to include one very important follow-up question:

‘And what, exactly, do you want to be?’”

The Defense Continues

Defense: “So I believe Mr. Porcupine is innocent because he did exactly what generations of public-school children have been told to do:

Be yourself.

Follow your dreams.

Do not let anybody tell you who you can or cannot become.

But what if ‘being yourself’ means being a menace to society?

What if your dream is to become the person who creates a virus that destroys humankind?

What if somewhere, right now, we are encouraging the future Mussolinis of the world to believe in themselves, follow their instincts, ignore the critics, and never give up?

And then, years later, when they become exactly what we encouraged them to become, we turn around and judge them for it?

Ladies and gentlemen, that is hypocrisy.

Mr. Porcupine did not reject society’s advice.

He followed it.

Perhaps a little too well.”

Defense: “Mr. Porcupine also struggled to find decent work.

He applied at a balloon shop.

Rejected.

He applied at a waterbed store.

Rejected.

And why?

Because of his appearance.

Because people looked at his quills and immediately decided he was a sharp liability.

So I ask you: has society been kind to Mr. Porcupine? Has society been fair to him?

I don’t think so.

We told him to be himself, then punished him for what himself looked like.

We told him to find honest work, then denied him employment anywhere his body presented even the slightest puncture risk.

Defense: “I would also like the court to consider that Mr. Porcupine has recently become the father of a beautiful baby koala.”

Every camera slowly turns toward the koala.

Koala: “What? No. That baby ain’t mine. I’m not the only koala here with an expired zoo visa.”

Meanwhile, inside Alcatraz…

“As we were running toward the ferry, the mysterious man heard the siren call and stopped.

‘Hey, I promised I would go swimming with her. It’ll just be five minutes. I’ll catch up with you at the ferry.’

‘Whatever,’ I said. ‘Maybe I can scalp your ticket to another Alcatraz escapee.’

Unfortunately, the tickets were non-transferable.

I made it to the ferry entrance.

‘Okay, I have your ticket here. It looks like this reservation is for two. Where’s your plus-one?’

‘He drowned.’

‘…What?’

‘A mermaid drowned him.’

“I don’t think he really understood what a night swim meant.”

“He’s probably taxidermy décor inside the mermaid’s underwater cave by now.”

“Anyway, what’s for dessert?”

“Inside Alcatraz, one of the guards notices that several inmates are missing… not just us.

‘Guard… we have a problem.’

‘What?’

‘We appear to be missing several inmates.’

‘I checked. They all had papier-maché heads paired with mermaid hair.’

Two of the decoys were so realistic that they resembled demons I’d seen inside haunted houses. I gave them to the dogs to play with.

‘I KNEW IT. We shouldn’t have put an arts-and-crafts program inside Alcatraz!’

At least they all waited to graduate.”