My Philosophy on Post-Mortem Cat Assistance

If you die and no human is around to witness your soul leaving your body, your cat will show you its greatest sign of devotion by performing its final act as your companion: eating your face.

Because of this technicality, many people are afraid to die alone with their pet, especially a cat. Some might even go to the extent of exchanging their pet for something less threatening, like a vegan turtle in a Houdini-proof cage, when approaching their final chapter△ △ △ or planning to leave the mafia.

But in defense of all furry creatures accused of emotional coldness, I’d like to share an interpretation of what some might perceive as morbid behavior.

In a world where people are often trying to mine others for their time, talent, or attention, nothing compares to the company of a furry friend.

A furry friend that might eat your face if you drop dead△ △ △ not out of malice, but so you could keep living within it, preserved in its stubborn fat reserves.

That’s true love.

So next time, try not to judge a cat that is a little on the chubby side. It might be proudly carrying its past owners as one final act of devotion.