The Mr. Porcupine Trial: Part One
No News Is Good News Network arrived at Bates Motel 13.
“We received an anonymous text from someone identifying themselves only as Mannequin #101.”
The Inn Creeper stepped close to the camera, still gripping the stale French baguette.
Behind him, the remains of several mannequins were piled together like wreckage in a car junkyard. Plastic food and taxidermied cakes were scattered across the floor.
The Inn Creeper pointed toward the wreckage.
“Look at what she made us do.”
“You people need to help us locate her,” he said. “She needs to pay for all this damage, especially our psychological damage. We did nothing to that witch except welcome her into our lives.”
Beside him, the mysterious man nodded, baguette crumbs still tangled in his hair. He leaned on another French baguette like a vampire resting on his cane.
“I gave her everything she ever asked for,” he said.
He hesitated.
“Well, except meaningful communication.”
The inn Creeper interrupted the interview to describe the witch.
“She has high cheekbones, four eyes, plump heart-shaped pillow lips and a sharp tongue.”
The mysterious man eagerly grabbed the microphone
“And, if you’d like, I can provide precise details about her body shape.”
“We actually just need her approximate weight,” the reporter said.
The mysterious man pulled out his phone and asked Google how much I weighed.
As I watched them on TV, I felt compelled to set the record straight.
“I didn’t hit the mysterious man because I’m violent,” I told Señor Raven. “He refuses to communicate like a civilized person, and the fact that he literally lives inside a cavern with an army of bats does not help his case.”
On the television, he stood there with baguette crumbs tangled in his hair. He’d probably make Chicken peck them out later.
“Let’s see what else is on television,” I said, reaching for the remote.
I changed the channel just in time to see Mr. Porcupine tumble headfirst into the jury box. He was still wearing the stilts.
I changed the channel again.
The same fall was playing from a different angle.
On the next sister channel, they showed it in slow motion.
Every station was replaying Mr. Porcupine's fall the way sports networks replay a game-winning touchdown from every possible angle.
One of the news channels cut to live coverage of rallies spreading across I-10, where protesters had blocked traffic and were demanding the immediate release of Mr. Porcupine.
Food vendors had set up shop along the rally route. With a taco in one hand and a microphone in the other, the reporter began interviewing attendees.
She shoved the microphone toward the first person who made eye contact with her.
Reporter: “Why do you believe Mr. Porcupine is innocent?”
Woman: "Because one time he held the door open for me at the Nuns Convention. He was such a gentleman."
Reporter: “Security cameras later concluded that it was not an act of chivalry, but merely an excuse to check her out as she walked inside.”
The reporter interviews another attendee.
Reporter: “Do you believe in Mr. Porcupine’s innocence?”
Short Man: “I’m just here for the party and the mayhem. I don’t even know who that is. Is he a SoundCloud rapper?”
The reporter interviews one final attendee.
Reporter: “Do you think Mr. Porcupine should be free?”
Tall Man: “I don’t know. Let me ask my wife.”
Happy Wife: “Yeah, because all my friends think he should be free.”
Tall Man: “Well, there you have it.”