The Mr. Porcupine Trial: Part Three
After all the sumo wrestling, the mysterious man and I passed out from exhaustion.
Somehow, he ended up using my butt as a pillow.
“HEY! WAKE UP! And get your head off her butt!”
We both woke up.
“I cannot believe you two. I should be scrolling on my phone right now. Instead, I have to fill out paperwork, review the manuals because I haven’t done this in forever, probably watch some training videos.”
“You two have ruined my entire day.”
“You’re spending the rest of your lives in Alcatraz for contempt of court.”
“WHAT?”
“You wore those ridiculous costumes because you were trying to get out of jury duty.”
“That is absolutely not true.”
“Oh, really? Then explain why you showed up dressed like that and got eliminated almost immediately. It was like you two were auditioning in front of Simon Coward.”
“Well, we were taking a ferry.”
The guard stared.
“So?”
“What if the ferry hit a whale?”
“A WHALE?”
“Yes. We could’ve fallen overboard.”
“The costumes are inflatable. Basically life jackets,” the mysterious man added.
“Look what happened to Jack and Rose from Titanic,” I said.
“Enough of this nonsense!” the guard yelled as he started walking us toward the cell.
“You can’t put us in the same cell. We’re from different gangs.”
He kept pushing us toward the cell.
“WE ARE FROM DIFFERENT GANGS!” I yelled again.
“You are not supposed to mix gangs.” I said.
“I don’t care. If one of you gets taken out, that’s less paperwork for me.”
“Have you seen public bathrooms lately? Everybody’s included. No more discrimination. Even cats are allowed to use the toilets.”
“This is the new way jails are. Inclusive. So you’re gonna have to deal with it.”
“THERE. I’m locking both of you in and throwing away the key. How does that feel?”
He hurled the entire key ring through the barred window and into San Francisco Bay.
“Man! I’ve always wanted to say that in real life.”
He rested his hands on his hips with a satisfied smile.
For a few glorious seconds, he looked incredibly proud of himself.
Then his smile disappeared.
“Wait.”
He patted his pockets.
“My car keys were on there. And my house keys. My safe keys.”
“And my mistress’s apartment keys.”
He sighed.
“I guess I’ll just have to wait for the keys to wash ashore.”
“Anyway, I’ve got some shows to binge.”
The guard walked away, whistling the Game of Thrones theme.
Now we were both alone in the cell.
We found two little cups and a dead cricket, so we started playing Where’s the Dead Cricket?
That was fun for a few minutes, until we started noticing more dead crickets.
“I’m hungry,” I said.
He reached into his pocket.
“I have something.”
He pulled out a cough drop.
“I’m so glad I got this one this morning. My throat was sore.”
I looked at the tiny piece of candy sitting in his palm.
“So this is our food supply?”
He nodded.
“Fine. I guess this is all we have to eat.”
It was time to sleep, and we both started climbing toward the top bunk at the exact same time.
“Wait! I’m sleeping at the top.”
“Hell no! There are critters down here.”
“You know what? I’m too tired to argue. Why don’t we settle this like two civilized adults?”
“How?”
“Rock-paper-scissors.”
After ten rounds, all of which I won, he finally gave up.
“Whatever. Stay up there.”
“You're the one next to the window anyway and when a whale swims by and sneezes, you're getting hit first.”
“You were begging for this bunk thirty seconds ago.”
“Before I assessed the whale situation.”
“I'd rather get sneezed on by a whale with the flu than spend the entire night fighting off an incubus/succubus.”
He looked underneath the bed.
“Don't look under there. That's how you provoke them.”
He immediately closed his eyes.
“So yeah, good luck fighting off the incubus and the succubus. Night.”
I rolled over and pulled the blanket up over my face.
“Do you actually think I might be their type?”
“Go to sleep.”
“Are they, like, polygamous? Or in an open relationship?”
“Goodnight.”
At exactly 3:33, I woke up with an idea.
I climbed down from the top bunk as quietly as possible.
“Get away from me, succubus/Incubus!” he yelled.
“It’s me. An angel.”
He opened one eye.
“What do you want?”
“I have an idea.”
“Why don’t you call one of those mermaids you dumped into the water?”
Now he's awake.
“What?”
“Fine! But I don’t remember their names.”
“That’s fine. Just yell out popular names in alphabetical order.”
He leaned toward the little barred window.
“ARIEL!”
“BELLE!”
“CINDERELLA!”
“DAISY!”
“You’ve gotta be kidding me!”
“PENELOPE!”
“ROSE!”
One of the mermaids swam to the surface and waved before swimming closer.
“My master! You said you would call, and you did. You’re a man of your word. I’ll do anything for you.”
“I’ll give you guys some privacy,” I said, moving five feet back.
The cell was small. That was as far as I could go.
“Can you ask her to look for the keys? And tell her to bring us some oysters. We’re starving.”
He yelled through the little barred window.
“PENELOPE! CAN YOU FIND THE GUARD’S KEYS AND BRING SOME OYSTERS?”
“THERE AREN’T ANY OYSTERS AROUND HERE!”
“What kind of mermaid doesn’t have access to oysters?” I said.
“BUT I HAVE SOME CANNED OYSTERS IN MY EMERGENCY PANTRY!”
“What else does she have?”
He yelled through the little barred window, “WHAT ELSE IS IN THERE?”
From somewhere out in the bay, Penelope yelled back:
“CRACKERS! CANNED TUNA! BOTTLED WATER!”
I looked at him.
“Bottled water?”
“Apparently.”
I leaned toward the window.
“PENELOPE! WHY DO YOU HAVE BOTTLED WATER? YOU LIVE IN WATER!”
“FOR EMERGENCIES!”
“WHAT KIND OF EMERGENCY?”
“OIL SPILLS!”
I paused.
“Okay. That actually makes sense.”
“AND MOSES!”
“WHAT DOES MOSES HAVE TO DO WITH BOTTLED WATER?”
“WHAT IF HE COMES BACK AND PARTS THE BAY IN HALF? I DON’T WANT TO BE STRANDED IN THE DRY MIDDLE WITHOUT WATER!”
She returned with some of her provisions and the keys tucked inside a shell. “Here’s everything you requested.”
“Thank you!”
Penelope lingered by the window.
“Will you call me again sometime? Maybe we could go for a night swim?”
“Of course, Ashley!”
“...Penelope.”