More Mouths to Forget to Feed

“Why is your shirt on?” the mermaid asked.

“Excuse me?”

“This is a topless bay.”

“I didn't know there was a dress code.”

“I'm keeping my shirt on.” I said.

She crossed her arms and gave me the evil eye.

“Then I'll have one of Zeus's security guards escort you out this minute.” She said.

“Zeus has security guards?”

“Of course.”

“You ain’t doing nothing, stupid Karen of the sea.”

I grabbed her by the hair.

Her entire wig came off in my hand.

She immediately dove underwater and disappeared.

“Don’t worry. This spell only lasts seventy-two hours.”

“You’ll be back to your odd life in no time.”

He stayed silent and looked at me.

Even as a frog, he was beautiful.

I returned to meet up with the offending trio.

Out of nowhere, the mysterious man’s bats appeared, carrying Chicken between them.

Something looked different.

Chicken looked slimmer.

Upon closer inspection, I realized he was wearing shapewear.

“Oh my God.”

I immediately started pulling Chicken out of it.

“Chicken, you don’t need shapewear. You need exercise.”

But Chicken wasn’t my only responsibility anymore.

Now I even had the bats to look after.

Great. More mouths to forget to feed.

I couldn’t just hop on my broomcycle and carry everyone.

Chicken’s weight alone was going to throw us off balance and put us over the weight limit.

We decided to hitchhike, but nobody was stopping.

I couldn’t understand why.

I didn’t know if it was the number of animals traveling with me or the fact that I also had a shotgun.

“GO BACK TO TEXAS!” someone yelled from a passing car.

Mr. Porcupine immediately fired a few quills after him.

The tires deflated and their car started wobbling.

Another car went by.

Then another one.

Nobody stopped.

Then I did the unthinkable.

I lifted my skirt and showed the knee.

A clown car immediately slammed on its brakes.

He asked me if I was a traveling zoo or had robbed one?

“Neither. I’m the temporary protector of these misbehaving animals until I can safely teleport them through the Winchester Mystery House.”

“Is that where you’re going?”

“Yes.”

He thought about it.

“I’m going in the opposite direction, but I’ll take you.”

I looked at him.

“Really?”

He looked at Mr. Porcupine.

“Well, except for that prickly one. I can tell he’s a ruffian. Not someone I’d trust.”

“And I know better than to trust anyone with a teardrop tattoo.” He said.

“Please, sir! I just need to send him back to whatever dimension he came from.”

The man started laughing.

“I’m just joking. He can come.”

“I just don’t want him ruining my leather seats. I recently had them reupholstered because of a red wine stain.”

“Actually, I recently gave a magician a ride, and she left her box in my car. You know, the one they use to cut people in half? We can put him in that.”

“Do you work for the circus?”

“Something like that,” he said.

We loaded everyone into his clown car.

Mr. Porcupine was secured inside the magician’s box, the others piled in wherever they could, and somehow there was still room.

I kept the mysterious frog with me, resting on my thigh.

The driver kept glancing at the mysterious frog.

“You know, I've eaten a lot of frog legs in my life.”

“Okay.”

“But I've never seen a pair like those.”

His mouth started watering.

He is not for consumption. I said.

“I'm telling you. Perfect proportions. It's almost like the amphibian gods put extra effort into designing that one.”

He licked his lips.

The driver leaned over slightly for another look.

I immediately covered the frog's legs with my right hand.

“That's enough.”

“I'm just admiring them.”

“You're salivating.”

“I know an upscale restaurant that would pay good money for frog legs like those.”

I tucked the mysterious frog into my shirt pocket, directly over my heart.

The driver sighed.

“What a waste.”

“Please keep your eyes on the ROAD.” I said.

“I would never do anything to the frog. I’m a nice guy. I gave you a ride, didn’t I?”

“I heard Ted Bundy was a nice guy too,” I said.

To be continued…